By rachel710

I Will Never Smoke Again, Not Today, Not Tomorrow, Not Ever.

At the end of the day I don't feel guilty. I need to do what's right for me. I tried, I was there. That's more than most would do if they were in my shoes. My mom cannot and will not cause anymore damage to my life not even on her way out. It sounds so cruel without knowing all of it and I wish there was a way to explain in more detail but I will say this, this women taught me what not to do as a parent. This women is the cause of my PTSD and my borderline personality disorder. I tried to be the loving daughter that I really thought I should be, but I can't. Even as she lies dying this woman is trying to destroy what I have worked so hard to get back after the last time she destroyed my life. You probably think I should forgive and let go. Let go I am trying very hard to do but there will be no forgiveness from me. What she did was unforgivable and karma and God will judge her for her actions. This situation almost cost me my quit time yesterday. My nonsmoking fb group helped me through it. I am still craving today but not anywhere as severe as yesterday. I was even starting to physically become ill as I was at war with myself. Only now do I feel better and at peace with myself. I use to wish I had this amazing family who had the same family morals that some how I had, I finally realize I do and they are my children and my friends. I am proud that my children will pass on my family morals to their children and their children's children and that the life of abuse and manipulation will end with me. It hurts just a bit as the life I once knew finally comes to an end not because I will miss it but because it was what I knew. So I grieve for the loss of that connection to that family and my past and I look forward to the unconditional love and brightness of my future. There is nothing left to make me feel like a failure. So I grieve today and I will grieve for awhile but I will not smoke because that is not in my future. I will live my life to the fullest and follow my heart and my desires. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, actually it is the first time that I accept it and it is the first time that I believe in myself.