So I have made it 4 days without a cigarette. I should be jumping up and down with excited, but I’m not as excited as I thought I would be. It’s disappointing to not smoke again. I know I probably have to get myself to the point of excitement and 4 days in and I’m still not there. I have to keep telling myself everyday the reason I want to quit, just to stay quit.  I feel horrible because I constantly have to remind myself of this. Sometimes I also feel like this quit isn’t going to happen. I’m going to fail any moment. Which in reality that could happen. Even those of us that have been quit for 5 years could relapse at any moment. I think that’s the reality in all of this is that failure is always there.  And I have to choose whether or not that will be an option. I’ve thought a lot about the addiction side of smoking, the harmful things it does to me. So I ask myself why am trying to find a reason to buy a pack and smoke again. That’s probably just the addiction talking and most of this is because I’ve had the habit for the last 11 years. I haven’t told many people this next part but I think I should open up about it as a healing processes.  On September 15, 2008 I became the mother of a beautiful baby girl. Then a short time later. I became the mother of beautiful baby girl with her angel wings. I didn’t get the chance to be a mother to her like I had wanted the whole pregnancy. I was 19 when I got pregnant with her. And that’s when the next part happened.  Short time after her death. I became and still struggle daily with being an alcoholic. I drank for any reason I could come up with. Just like I do with smoking.  Because in my mind I had come to the conclusion that drink would make the pain of not being able to be that little girl’s mommy go away. And while I was drunk that would happen then I would sober up and the reality would come back. But in the end I had to do the same thing I’m doing now with smoking, I had to convince myself to stop drinking.  Every year on her birthday is usually my relapse day. I’ve been sober from drinking for 6 years now. SO HERES TO DAY 4. Making the best I can of it.