By inathinworld

Making The Lie A Truth.......

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years…  Our relationship has been up and down – more up than down and luckily not on and off but we have both had to work hard at being together, mainly as I was single for a long time before meeting him and so used to independence and he has baggage in the form of crazy ex’s and an ex wife and teenage child.  With regards to smoking, my boyfriend was very supportive of my giving up smoking the last time and I didn’t tell him that I relapsed and have been smoking again for the last 8 months so he is still supportive of it!


My boyfriend smokes, he smokes hand rollies with no filter and smokes about 20-25 of them a day.  He coughs every morning, a hard, rough and deep smokers cough that sometimes makes him sick.  He is also a kidney transplant patient as his own kidneys died in his mid-twenties due to hereditary poly-cystic kidney disease.  He has never and says he will never consider quitting smoking.  He doesn’t cope with stress well and believes that he will be unable to cope with the stress of quitting smoking so continues smoking and coughing day after day.


I love him and, although I do not like it, I accept this part of him – does that make me an addiction enabler?  Probably.  He is addictive by nature and drinks as well as smokes (not to the levels that are dangerous but not ideal when you have someone else’s kidney inside you) and he struggles with change and has poor coping strategies.  I am making him sound like some sort of weak and uncontrolled nightmare, he isn’t.  He is a sensible, intelligent, professional who cares for and loves me.  He is the funniest and potentially cleverest man I know and I cannot see my life without him… I still worry.  I worry because we are still relatively young and we want to have a child together and make a life and a future together – all of which would be far easier if his health was good. 


I have been lying to him about quitting smoking and smoking behind closed bathroom doors and by open outside doors and I want to make the lie a truth because I want this relationship to be open, honest and true and I want a future full of love and happiness and family.  How do I convince him that he needs to be healthy too?  He doesn’t smoke around me so thinks he is doing the best he can.  I think we can do better together and healthy. 
im not sure it makes you an enabler. I think it just means you are not going to nag him - which is something many ex smokers do.
One of the best reasons for quitting smoking is when trying to have a baby.
Loved reading that. How about sitting him down and telling him how you feel in a kind and non confronting way. It is his choice. Remember when you were a smoker and people told you to quit? A smoker will never quit until they want to, or until they have to.
i agree. there is not much you can do to convince someone to quit. Talk to him once and see if you can change his mind - if he says no then its his choice. Try again when you are trying for a baby - because that is a different story.
I think I'm going to concentrate on my quit first and then be honest with him. no nagging!