By 420dragonfly

30Th Post

This post marks the 30th post on my Quitza Quest!  Though many of them may not have made the 400 word count required in the Quest, I wrote what I wanted to write, what I needed to write at the time.  As I reflect on the last 48 days since I quit what a ride it’s been!  I started here 18 days into my quit, at a point when I was feeling at the top of my game, optimistic, positive, and feeling I was having a pretty easy ride this time.  Over the last 30 days I’ve taken more twists, turns, and have had my commitment to my quit tested in ways I never imagined and hadn’t really prepared for.  I’ve been cheered on and comforted by total strangers and I’ve been their cheerleader and source of comfort too.

This addiction of ours is quite the demon.  It doesn’t treat us equally, as we all experience letting go differently, withdrawal differently, yet we turn to one another needing affirmation that what we’re feeling, experiencing is “normal”, the same as others.  The past couple weeks have been the most challenging for me.  Not because I want a cigarette, I truly don’t feel that desire, I don’t feel deprived, but because my ‘progress’, the things I’ve been experiencing aren’t the same as others, I was feeling delayed in how I was recovering.  I found myself measuring myself to others and become depressed that I wasn’t feeling this wonderful energy, I wasn’t sleeping better than I had in years, I was empty and sad and a little scared.  Then I had to take a big step back and recognize that I AM ME and this is MY recovery.  I can’t possibly expect to be ‘back to normal’ in 7 weeks after 43 years with this monkey on my back.  I had to focus on what’s most important. 
What’s most important is that I don’t smoke today.  I’m focusing on learning to deal with the experiences of each day the best I can without a cigarette.  I’m learning to fill that void so many of us feel, without food and in healthy ways.  I’m learning to be patient that this won’t happen overnight and to have faith that it will over time.  

Tonight I call myself a non-smoker for the first time in 43 years, for I have no intention, no desire to ever take another puff again.  But I will also never let my guard down, for that’s when the monkey is more apt to jump back on my back.  These groups have been more helpful than I ever expected them to be and since I’m far from out of the woods in my recovery I will still be here, taking my NOPE pledge daily, helping others and seeking help.

One love
congrats! thanks for sharing such a heartfelt post :)
congratulations you new non smoker you :) thank you for sticking around. This place would be nothing without the community of ex smokers that stay and pay it forward to the newbies.
so happy for you. take a read through your past posts and see your journey. its quite interesting i imagine!
thanks for the great positive post. and congratulations on considering yourself an ex smoker - you have earned it.