The ups and downs of this journey is getting hard to take.  45 days and I thought i'd have more good days than bad by now but that doesn't seem to be the case.  The depression and lack of motivation is worsening.  Didn't even enjoy my massage today!!  My neck and jaw are so tired from being clenched all the time and nothing seems to help.  I know I need to focus on relaxing, do some yoga but nothing is appealing.  Going to see my kid and grandson next week and so hoping my mood improves before then; at this moment, I wish I hadn't booked the trip as I have no desire to be around anyone, even my grand kid.

I have moments that are great, but for the most part I just keep feeling like I'm waiting for something. Waiting to smoke I guess, but why still!!! the nicotine is long gone.  I see people smoking and feel bad for them, yet I can't say I like myself as a non-smoker.  When will that day come?  

I know I need to get up and do some things, but I just do the same old stuff, work, make dinner, run errands, watch some tv, go to sleep, and do it again.  same shit smoking or not, so i guess i'm the problem that needs fixing now.  just hate all these emotions.

well the buzzer on the oven is ringing, so time for dinner.  sorry for the downer, hoping someone can give me some hope this will get better someday.

One love