By beatthedemon

Still On The Boat

So over the past few days I have recognized three common themes for my days. None of them make me want to smoke but the swing between them really push me to the limit sometimes. 

The first one is probably the best outcome. I have a few days a week that typically, I feel great. I don't even think of smoking, I get along with everyone, spend time working out, and lots of energy and focus. Those days we will call my productive days, and I love them.

The second one, seems to be my tired days. I get up, drag myself through the day, but really feel like, nothing is getting done. These I have been trying to combat a bit, since it seems like I feel like I was hit by a truck. Those days, I just want to sleep, but I can't. I still need to try to focus at work, being in a very busy environment, and missing something can mean costly mistakes. Not only in terms of money but in time. When working with software development, between the start of our projects, and first completion can be as long as a year. Correcting mistakes can start the process over again. Not something I want to have to explain to my boss, as to why we missed key points on a project. This week I noticed, if I avoid coffee, for some reason this type of day is less common. So I'm confused, where in the past a few cigs and some coffee, and I was fully alert and ready to go, now to coffee has the opposite effect.

The third type of day, is the scariest for me because I know staying in this mood for any long period of time has a high possibility of failure for my quit. This is the down / depressed state. Like the tired phase, motivation is missing. But then it is multiplied by a foul mood. I feel like I'm just causing everyone around me problems. I know I'm preforming at my worst. I only focus on my mistakes and failures. And many times I question, why does it matter if I quit.. Thankfully this state only appears rarely but when I get stuck in the funk, it takes time to get out, sometimes even an entire day.

Now as for thinking about wanting to smoke. Well that has been limited however, I still get those waking up urges. I start to wake up, and I'm thinking oh how good it would be to light up. A few minutes later when get more awake, then I think, what that hell was that about? Its that kind of thinking that got me into trouble with my last quit. The whole, one won't hurt. Think again, I have one, then I want the whole pack, then I want more packs until I can't stop again. 

So even with the swings in moods, and the morning thoughts of having just "one," I'm happy to say, I'm still on the boat and avoiding the storm.  
It never ceases to amaze me all of the affects of nicotine - and nicotine withdrawl.
those third days are killers. you just gotta power through them, when you in that frame of mind its the worst.... but not as bad as chemo.
ups and downs are all part of beating this terrible addiciton. you have put it so perfectly :) thank you
soon you will only have 1 and 2, then only 1. because you are free
just one is enough to make a smoker again. stay strong you are over the worst
a happy day is always either with you, or just around the corner. stay strong, you can do it
when you get those day 3's remember if you can that they will end. and its because of the smoking (not the qutting) that you feel like this
What a great post so well written! thanks for sharing, I can relate to each on of your 3 themes.