By 420dragonfly

Giving Myself A Break

These 400 word posts for the quest aren’t easy and my mindset today isn’t helping, but I committed myself to writing.  My apologies to those who are reading, not a very interesting post….

I’m now at 24 days without a cigarette and on my second day since I stepped down to a 7mg patch.  Today was the first day I felt like something was missing.   Today was the first day I didn’t feel right.  Today I felt a bit like a big lump of couch-locked yuck!

I was fidgety this morning, but didn’t want to do anything.  In spite of having a list a mile long of things to do, things to research, and errands to run, all I seemed to want to do was read posts on the various online quit smoking groups I now participate in.  Then I started getting mad at myself for wasting the day away (it wasn’t even 10am)!  Then I felt hungry and I cried because I feel like I’m already gaining weight.  Then I took a couple deep breaths, read some posts, and reminded myself I’m still very early in this recovery.  Then I got mad for using quitting smoking as an acceptable excuse for being lazy!  Then I cried again!  Then I laughed like a mad hatter, asking myself “what the f&*( is wrong with me!”  Then I felt incredibly proud because I could honestly say I didn’t want a cigarette, I just didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling!!

I don’t have a lot of patience with myself and am my own worse critic (I know, not a unique personality trait).  I do have one amazing man in my life though!  He has been my greatest supporter, whether it’s listening to me, holding me, or leaving me alone when I need it, he will do whatever it takes to help me end this addiction!!  This morning he knew I was struggling. He changed up his plans and went to breakfast with me, reminding me that allowing myself to be hungry wasn’t going to make me feel any better.  We went and ran some boring domestic errands.  But the most important thing he did for me today was remind me that I really am healing, that I’m doing one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done and it isn’t easy.  He told me it’s okay if I don’t want to do anything and that it’s okay to just rest, even stay in bed all weekend if that’s what I needed.

Well I didn’t stay in bed (not my personality) but I took a nice rest, got some laundry done, played some backgammon, and gave myself permission to be a couch potato, but only for a little while ;)  Oh, and I stayed smoke free!  Moving on to day 25!

One Love
Thanks for putting the effort in to writing that :)
its good to hear you have a supportive partner :)
24 days is awesome! congrats :)
quitting smoking is a fine excuse for being lazy. your body is using alot of energy fighting this addiction.
you're so close to being normal again. stay strong
Love reading your posts, and I can relate to everything you say. Ive smoked for 30 years so its been with me most of my life. Im reading this post and thinking my God Im not alone.
thanks for sharing, love your posts